My New Philosophy

Things that I've recently decided:
It's ok if I don't please everyone; things are forgiven, forgotten and we move on. This is a difficult realization for me because I have always been one that needs to please everyone. It's virtually impossible, however, because I have a wonderful group of friends who all have different needs. What is important is that I feel confident in my decisions and my actions and that way, I won't feel guilty or unreliable.
The past is just as important as the present and the future. I have loved (and lived in) the past a lot over the years, but I never really focused on it blending into the present. (This is something that I know will not make sense to me in a few weeks, but I'm still going). What is important is that I honor the past, but don't live in it. Now I say "honor" it because I don't want to attempt to re-create what happened or what was felt in the past; I don't want to press the memories. Instead, I want to listen to the past and learn from it. Just because there was a jump in time doesn't mean that everything was forgotten.
When opportunity comes knocking, don't run away. It's happened a few times now - I haven't felt like doing something the moment that it was presented to me, so I push it aside. Stupid. I have learned that you never know what will happen and that I should try everything with an open mind. What is important is that I get as many experiences as I can, open myself up to anything that comes my way and see what happens. If I never try, I'll never know.
If I'm actually not ready, don't force it. I have learned when to push myself and when I'm just not ready for certain things. Some people say that every experience is a good one, but if my heart isn't into it at all, if I honestly have no interest, if doing something will not make me happier, then I don't see the point. There is a delicate balance between apathy and being uninspired and I am starting to see the difference.
When one door closes, another one opens. There have been a few major disappointments for me in the last few months but instead of dwelling, I let myself be upset for a little while and then I moved on. I saw one door closing but then I looked around and realized how positive the change could really be. I knew how wonderful of a change it would be for one and for a while I was just focussing on what I would do next. Then I got over it and got re-motivated. It felt wonderful. What is important is that I didn't let myself be consumed by the disappointment and that I turned it around.

Opportunites are knocking right now, but instead of knocking one compeltely, I'll attempt both and see what happens. Otherwise, I might not be fair to myself. But I really want the decision to be easy, so hopefully it will be.


I have Guido's Song stuck in my head.
I'm going out with Joshy tonight.
Sometimes I don't want to deal with shit.
I would like to go outside.
Just in case you were curious.

Sunday, Monday, Happy Days

Actually had a date last night - I can't remember the last time I went on a legitimate date because every other guy I've "seen" or "been involved with" has been a friend first and so everything was just hanging out and spending time together, rather than an actual date. It went pretty well; the guy was very nice and funny and there were no awkward silences and we laughed a lot, that's important. He was great, but I'm not sure if I felt any sparks, but then again, it was a first date and it's pretty hard to feel sparks when you're making conversation about each other's lives. There are sparks, however, but not with this one. The one with sparks really intrigues me. I don't know what makes sparks and what doesn't, but I do know when a relationship (or friendship, or accquaintance, or whatever you want to call it) has sparks, and when it doesn't. There's a possibility of sparks with one, and definite sparks with another. I just have a feeling that "sparky" will end up being in the friendship circle, rather in the dating one, even though that's not what I want and it doesn't seem to be the direction he's heading. If he asks me out, then it'll all be downhill from there. So, here's hopin'. I'll just actually fight for it this time because I'm tired of being so let down because I never fight for it. At the bar, with Trevor (that's the other one), I fought for it because there were a couple other girls that were trying to catch his eye, but we had been dancing for a couple of hours together already and whenever I got back to the dance floor from the washroom or the phone or whatever, I made a point to bee-line to him to shun those other girls out. Haha, Brad noticed some major attitude from one of the girls because I won, so HA. But it just goes to show you (or me, rather) that if I actually make an effort, something will come of it. Hmmm what a novel idea.



They're playing some really awful 80's music right now.
My gum is totally dead in my mouth.
The radio is about a foot away from my left hand.
The gum, as I said before, is in my mouth.
I'm not changing the station, nor am I spitting the gum.
This tells you how lazy I am right now.
Just in case you were curious.

Actually had a date last night - I can't remember the last time I went on a legitimate date because every other guy I've "seen" or "been involved with" has been a friend first and so everything was just hanging out and spending time together, rather than an actual date. It went pretty well; the guy was very nice and funny and there were no awkward silences and we laughed a lot, that's important. He was great, but I'm not sure if I felt any sparks, but then again, it was a first date and it's pretty hard to feel sparks when you're making conversation about each other's lives. There are sparks, however, but not with this one. The one with sparks really intrigues me. I don't know what makes sparks and what doesn't, but I do know when a relationship, or friendship, or accquaintance, or whatever you want to call it, has sparks, and when it doesn't. There's a possibility of sparks with one, and definite sparks with another. I just have a feeling that "sparky" will end up being in the friendship circle, rather in the dating one, even though that's not what I want and it doesn't seem to be the direction he's heading. If he asks me out, then it'll all be downhill from there. So, here's hopin'. I'll just actually fight for it this time because I'm tired of being so let down because I never fight for it. At the bar, with Trevor (that's the other one), I fought for it because there were a couple other girls that were trying to catch his eye, but we had been dancing for a couple of hours together already and whenever I got back to the dance floor from the washroom or the phone or whatever, I made a point to bee-line to him to shun those other girls out. Haha, Brad noticed some major attitude from one of the girls because I won, so HA. But, it just goes to show you, or me, rather, that if I actually make an effort, something will come of it. Hmmm what a novel idea.



They're playing some really awful 80's music right now.
My gum is totally dead in my mouth.
The radio is about a foot away from my left hand.
The gum, as I said before, is in my mouth.
I'm not changing the station, nor am I spitting the gum.
This tells you how lazy I am right now.
Just in case you were curious.

Actually had a date last night - I can't remember the last time I went on a legitimate date because every other guy I've "seen" or "been involved with" has been a friend first and so everything was just hanging out and spending time together, rather than an actual date. It went pretty well; the guy was very nice and funny and there were no awkward silences and we laughed a lot, that's important. He was great, but I'm not sure if I felt any sparks, but then again, it was a first date and it's pretty hard to feel sparks when you're making conversation about each other's lives. There are sparks, however, but not with this one. The one with sparks really intrigues me. I don't know what makes sparks and what doesn't, but I do know when a relationship, or friendship, or accquaintance, or whatever you want to call it, has sparks, and when it doesn't. There's a possibility of sparks with one, and definite sparks with another. I just have a feeling that "sparky" will end up being in the friendship circle, rather in the dating one, even though that's not what I want and it doesn't seem to be the direction he's heading. If he asks me out, then it'll all be downhill from there. So, here's hopin'. I'll just actually fight for it this time because I'm tired of being so let down because I never fight for it. At the bar, with Trevor (that's the other one), I fought for it because there were a couple other girls that were trying to catch his eye, but we had been dancing for a couple of hours together already and whenever I got back to the dance floor from the washroom or the phone or whatever, I made a point to bee-line to him to shun those other girls out. Haha, Brad noticed some major attitude from one of the girls because I won, so HA. But, it just goes to show you, or me, rather, that if I actually make an effort, something will come of it. Hmmm what a novel idea.

They're playing some really awful 80's music right now.
My gum is totally dead in my mouth.
The radio is about a foot away from my left hand.
The gum, as I said before, is in my mouth.
I'm not changing the station, nor am I spitting the gum.
This tells you how lazy I am right now.
Just in case you were curious.

Sunrise, Sunset...

I was an hour late for work this morning. I knew it would happen, too. I woke up at 3:15am, fully awake, and decided that I didn't have to have my alarm across the room, so I put it next to my bed. Mistake. I sleep through my alarm all of the time when it's beside my bed, so what did I do? Slept through it. I woke up to the sound of the phone ringing and automatically, without even looking at the clock, I knew that I had slept in. It really wasn't that big of a deal when I got to work, because really, look at how tough my job is, I just felt badly of course. To make matters "better", the printer wouldn't work this morning and so we were running around trying to fix it, so that delayed my printing and my reports. I just like to get everything done first thing in the morning and so I was getting quite annoyed. But, that all sorted itself out and again, I was done at 11am.
They were actually just playing "Sunrise, Sunset" from the Original Broadway cast of Fiddler on the radio - it made me laugh and honestly made my day, haha. Who plays "Sunrise, Sunset"?? I thought it was an appropriate title, though...stupid sleeping.
I also forgot to bring money today, so I have to go and bolt to Subway on my lunch break and I'm starving! AND I have to pay $20 for parking because I missed the 'early bird' rate and, obviously, missed the bus. Man I love complaining.
But, I'm going to see Full Monty tonight, so I'm really looking forward to that! Haha I'm nervous, and excited. I won't know where to look because I'm so close with all the 'strippers'! (Now how awful does THAT sound??). Oh well, I'm excited none the less.
Tomorrow we're going to see it again (it's me, of course I'm going 1,000 times) and then going out to the STRAIGHT bar. I know, I couln'd't believe it myself. So excited - it had better be nice out.
Ok, enough rambling. This doesn't even have any strange quotes or hidden meanings or anything...just me blabbering. Deal with it.



This computer screen is MASSIVE.
When I'm reading my blog on the computer,
the picture of the flowers is bigger than my head.
Just in case you were curious.

What Goes Around

Well well well...who knew that blogger would ever come in so handy? I haven't used this thing in a very long time, and now, I'll rely on it to keep me occupied at work. This is one of the only "popular" websites that I've found that hasn't been blocked by the Fairmont. Thank goodness. What usually happens is that I finish all of my task list by about 11am and then have nothing to do but answer phones and find little things to keep me occupied until I'm done at 3pm. Today, it's been making a birthday card for one of our bellman. It's taken me a ridiculously long time to make, but that's because I have nothing else to do, so I've been coloring with gel pens that we found, then whiting them out because it looked attrocious, then coloring again...just an endless cycle, really. I know it may not sound like it, but I'm really loving this job. Yes, it is much slower paced than Starbucks (what isn't?), but it's a welcome change....and a very big one at that. The people here are out of this world and I feel as though we've all known each other for longer than we have - it's a great atmosphere. That and I get to talk to/give wake-up calls to celebrities all the time, which is really exciting!
I'm taking the bus to work, which again, is a welcome change. Yes, I said a "welcome change". I think that I'm enjoying this job so much because everything about it is so different than my last job; no more driving to work, no more running around, no more burning myself on milk, no more dishes from the sanitizer. Nope. Now it's sitting in a little office with the radio, a computer and of course, the phone. It's so relaxing, but I don't think I could stay here forever. I'm excited to be moving up to the front desk, which should be happening in about a month. That will be great.
So, love is in the air, hey? It seems that my One has found love (in the form of an AMAZING guy and I could not be happier for the both of them), my JayBay has found a promising interest (it's about damn time) and yes, I again have found someone to be interested in. I'm just worried that it will turn out to be like everything else which is it being exciting at first, then I get sick of the chase and having things completely slow down, to the point of just being friends, to the point of it being awkward to attempt to start something. Yeah. It happens all the time. I think it could be my fault though, or partially anyway, because I like the chase, but don't always like being caught. We'll see I suppose.
Back to the gym and back to tanning. It's almost summer and I'm looking forward to it. (Ooh Christina Aguilera just came on. Why the hell aren't we going????).
I have nothing really important to say....this was just a form of entertainment, and it's a good one. I'm sure I'll post little random things as per usual, probably in the form of hidden meanings and random quotations. But oh well....you'll put up with it...you always do. (Omg SexyBack is on right now and there's no one in the back office....PARTY TIME!!.....by myself....).

I learned a new word the other day:
Vitriol.
If you want to know what it means, leave me a comment.
Then I will answer you, AND you will have had to write something.
That, or use dictionary.com
But comments are much more fun.
Just in case you were curious.

Over My Head

Alright...so I've done a lot of back-tracking in these past couple days and I haven't really bothered to mention it to anyone...so I figured, why not be an idiot and post it all? I'm not even sure who reads this thing anymore, so we'll see.

I've been re-thinking a lot of things in my life lately and I'm not really sure what brought it all on. Could be that I've been at the same job for 8 months and I'm starting to get bored. The fact that I didn't get the job from the Hotel MacDonald (I got a letter of "thanks but no thanks" the other day) kind of put a damper on my hopes of getting more money soon. It put a damper on being able to save more, on being able to move soon, maybe even on wanting to move soon. That last one's not entirely true, because I still do want to move. I'm just worried that the decision is coming too fast, or that it's not solid, or that I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. I'm doing it because I want to get away from here and I think it would be a crazy life change - and I'm ready for that! There are a lot of uncertainties with it though - what the near future may hold, what the "long term" future may hold and yes, I understand that we'll cross those bridges when we get to them, but because of those potential bridges, a lot of things go unsaid and therefore, the bridges become unstable. I love schedules and plans and SET plans; I like to know what's happening with my future, especially when such a huge change is at hand. A lot has to be discussed. A lot has to be brought up. A lot has to be settled. Clear the mind. It has to happen and it never does. But that's a different rant...
...and here it is....
Things going unsaid. One of my biggest pet peeves. Obviously, I'm not talking about cute things "going unsaid"...."I love you"...."you're my best friend"....yada yada...all of those mushy things that go unsaid are wonderful to me. But things that NEED to be talked about. Things that NEED to be discussed that never are...those are the ones that get on my nerves, and fast. It happens much too often and I am always the one waiting around. I'm always willing to talk, to discuss, to solve problems, because those things are important. I hate fighting about nothing and then not talking about what the real reason for the fight is. I hate having facades. I like real people, real talking, real fighting even, because sometimes it just has to happen. If it doesn't happen, then things get passed over, the don't get discussed and problems just get bigger and bigger and never have a resolution. I honestly wish that I could fight this one out, but both parties have to be willing to talk. Just because we said we would make time for it, does mean that we will make time for it.

These blogs are getting long, hey? Well, I'm known for long blogs and quite often, long and confusing blogs. This one isn't confusing...no hidden meanings. It's just quite the read...so thanks for sticking around.


I'm loving The Fray.
I haven't found a song I don't like yet.
That and they make a good blog title.
Just in case you were curious.

Losing My Mind

Wow...I kind of suck at the whole "new years blog", hey? Considering it's almost the 2nd month of the year 2007, I'd say I'm pretty behind. I knew that would happen...

For Christmas, I got a journal. It's very helpful because I don't have to write down all of my crap for the online world to see anymore. I love writing, but I like typing better because I can type faster than I write (which most of us can) so it's easier to get my thoughts down. Remember those things that we did in Dave's class? Where we just wrote? I loved those. Some people used them for Haikus, but some of us wrote real things...odd things...but real ones.

Things that are new (in no particular order):
I have a very very sore throat. I got into Follies with Bridget Ryan. Friendships. Relationships. Plans to move out of my house and this province quite soon. Organization and cleanliness - I blame a certain friend for my new obsession with cleaning. Weekend traditions have altered. Offered a job at the Hotel MacDonald (still waiting...the hopes aren't high...). Drinking more. Sleeping less. Driving less to the bar, but more when I'm sober. Less of the driving when I'm not sober....not proud, I know. Life without constant theatre is still a kicker and I was thinking for a while that I would leave it alone. Getting back into the swing of "dieting" or "a more healthy lifestyle". We go to the straight bar now! I have every webpage I can think of...including JLove.com (clayton you ass) but I'm too cheap to pay for the email service, so I just get sent little messages from people but I can't respond...not much point, I know, but I get to look at cute Jewish guys all over the world.

Things that are constant (in no particular order):
Friendships. Priorities. I'm still ridiculous. I shop too much. I spend too much. I party every weekend. (I love it). I adore my friends. I'm a pushover. Me...I guess I'm a constant - I've been told so anyways, and that's actually a very good feeling. Drama, just perpetual drama. These blogs let me ramble and I will do so willingly.

Thoughts and opinions? (in no particular order):
Priorities suck. A very random statement, I know, but they really can. They can get all jumbled up if a person isn't careful, and so I try to be aware of them. My friends are my priority, but I know that within my friends, my priorities shift, meaning that my friendships shift and create new "usual crowds", in some sense of the word. I'm getting better at balancing them, though. Thank goodness for Organic Wednesdays and African weekends...those are two constants that I thrive on. They ensure that no matter what the week brings, I will see my husbands on Wednesdays (as well as all of the other people who join us) and I can see my African disaster on the weekends and we can cook and clean and have interventions. I love schedules and set plans and because of them, I know that I'm attached.

Closing words? (in some particular order because the sentences have to make sense):
I can be a pushover. I can be a pacifist. I can be the one that goes along for the ride. Just don't forget that even the pushover has a firm base, the pacifist may have quite the temper and the one that goes along for the ride may want to take the wheel once in a while. Everyone has opinions and needs to be heard. Everyone has feelings that need to be cared for. Everyone deserves to be in the light, rather than in the dark. I'm lucky because this is all getting better, from both sides of the looking glass. Let's just all remember it. A new year to try.


My throat HURTS.
I hate being sick.
The last time I saw Bridget I was sick.
I'm seeing her tomorrow.
This can't be a good omen.
Just in case you were curious.

Follow Through

I'm gearing up for a reflective blog....but I think that that blog is best suited for closer to the end of 2006...which, scarily enough, is very soon. That will be a long blog and hopefully it will be one that everyone enjoys reading, because a lot has happened this past year and a lot continues to happen. New plans growing, old plans dying...the same goes for friendships I've noticed. That's one of the main things that has changed in this past year....so much shifting, so much re-evaluating...yeah, my end of 2006 blog will be a long winded one, that's for sure. Even lately I've been reading through my old blogs and the old blogs of my Sweet Ones (listed on the right hand side of the page) and realizing how much has changed. Haha I've also realized that sometimes I speak in too much code for even me to handle....in some of those blogs I have no clue what the HELL I'm talking about! Then I try to remember, I try to disect them and I come up with..."I THINK that's what I meant by that" or "I THINK that's who that was about"....but I can't remember all of the time. Maybe next year I'll be less secretive. Ah, who am I kidding...I love writing like that. But maybe next year I'll make myself footnotes so I can remember what I'm being so secretive about.
Can I please tell you something that has left such a huge impact on me? The Sarah Slean concert. I'm not even lying. Sam and I briefly touched on it the other day. She said "Is your life still changed by the concert?" and I whole-heartedly replied "yes"....because it was....and I don't know why. Maybe it was the simplicity of it, and the beauty of it. Her songs were magic that night, as lame as that sounds...but they were. I've heard them all before, many many times, but to hear just her and the piano, to see just her, the piano and the simple lighting, to be able to hear a pin drop in the theatre (except when we were singing along)...I don't know what it was about that night, but it's still with me. Maybe it was the fact that I was with friends who I haven't been with for a long time, and we were all loving an artist that helped bring us together a few years ago. I couldn't imagine going with anyone else and if Daneel and Brennan hadn't been there, the night wouldn't have been complete. Sarah Slean will always remind me of Daneel and the piano and the late nights and endless tapings of Sweet Ones. When we shared it all with Brennan, it brought the 3 of us that much closer together.
I feel at loose ends right now, yet tied down (in a good way). Things are feeling more up in the air, I'm triple booking myself all the time, I'm finding new lives, I'm still with the old lives and I'm wanting to move on from others. I have a need to break free from some aspects of myself, but a fear of breaking away from my norms.....which is very normal. But I need to break away in some respects and several people have told me this. Branch out....just do it....I need to or I will be "trapped" for the rest of my life. "Trapped" is harsh...contained is better. Contained. No more. I'm sure I've blogged about that before...maybe that'd be a good clue to do something about it, hey?
Ok I just said that I'd save my long winded blog for later in the year and closer to 2007. Apparently I was lying....and I feel a lot more long winded blogs coming before the end of the year. I could be wrong and lazy...it's happened before.


Sunflower seeds take over all the other flavours that they surround.
I just had trailmix and all I could taste were the sunflower seeds.
Not the cranberries, nor the raisins.
I love fruit in things.
Just in case you were curious.