For My Cuff:

....."she wants to know why she doesn't love it, which sounds to me like you have a calm and almost loving sound to your voice... just from reading the monologue...like he's explaining it to her with a lot of passion because he believes so strongly in it... haha nevermind... i just read the first line and now i'm reading more of it [Cuffer: I like it : )] .. actually yeah nevermind.. yep, clamly explaining it to her... wow this is a REALLY good monologue... you should do it for me...[Cuffer: so, I'm passionate?.. like, happy? ]... well... haha i'll read it again...this doesn't sound all that good... living off of the credit from people that you "own"... he wants to break from the past, he says, so break from owning people...is that what you're getting? well he says "to start living in the present we have to redeem our past- we have to break with it. And it can be redeemed only by suffering, only by the most unheard-of, unceasing labour."...... like it sounds like she doesn't want to work but he's telling her that it's the only way they can redeem the past .... alright i'm just reading this and he's all about work and treating people equally.... i'd say read it passionately because he believes in what he's talking about and he wants to change her and make her see the light about how bad it was to have people as slaves... he thinks that no one works at all...so he wants her to see that people should......calm, yet passionate and persuasive is what i'd say..... because he's trying to educate her about how the past was "wrong" in his eyes.... and yada yada i'll stop blabbering : p [Cuffer: wow. That's a lot of motivation : ) ]

Just in case you were curious. : )

Canvasing My Spikes, Flouting His Empathy

So...my saturday was comprised of jazz "fosse" dancing (so much fun i can't get over it. ouch to my legs though...character shoes, fosse poses...wahoo), not completely failing an oral theory test but completely BOMBING the transposition worksheet (effin minor keys!!), going grocery shopping with cole (not being able to get a shopping cart because we both forgot change so we had to shlep all of the groceries around, smushed into these two baskets. eventually, i went and stood in line while cole made some last minute rounds, gathering up as much stuff as he could because it wouldn't all fit into the baskets. total? $150.00. i guessed closest. i should have won a prize), then Jay Jay came over for dinner (had an interesting encounter with a rather large piece of ice-burg lettuce (even though it WAS NOT that big but he decided to cut it anyways) Jason, just now: "It was huge!! It was THIS (pointing to coffee mug) big! It was at least as big as your mouse" (that's what she said. point: rachel)). whoa i had a lot of brackets there. ok then after dinner, jay jay, erik and i went to see Spitfire Grill which was quite great, then we went for coffee, 40 timbits and a random drive around the city (go Jay driving my Mayzie). then a huge talk on MSN, then jason staying over until 4:30, then sunday. Sunday, i woke up at 3:15 because my dad had to wake me up because i'm a turd (those of you who know me well will fully understand my need to sleep for 11 hours. partly because i can sleep forever, and partly because....well i just sleep forever, really). then to East Side Mario's, after much discussion and confusion, for dinner with some great friends, then to see Ocean's 12, then Jay over right now for a SLEEPOVER!! with our white hot chocolate and baileys and lemon-merangue pie. (ramble ramble ramble, i just read all of that outloud to make sure that it sounded ok, and as you can guess...well some of you can guess...i am saying everything outloud that i am typing right now).

shout out time!

Daneel: I didn't see you at all this weekend. What's up with that? Pretty crazy stuff we're talking about. But I know that as soon as Cuff is here, we'll all be insperable. I hope your sunday night was better than your saturday. i love you!
Evan: Newest edition to people that read my blog! Hello my Frodo.
Clayton: I keep losing you. We don't talk as much as we used to. Love love love (that's 3).
Cuffer: what? what? 12 DAYS? huh? baaaah. sooooo excited best friend. i love you!
Jay Jay: you're standing right beside me. and yes, pickles are rude. (look to your left).
Anyone else who reads this blog: hello!


Curiosity killed the cat.
But I don't have a cat.
But it would have to die one day.
Just in case you were curious.

Pick-a-Little, Talk-a-LOT

Tons of talking tonight, holy smokes.
But all wonderful talking...well, mostly wonderful. The not-so-wonderful will begin to have better outcomes and safer times ahead.
I honestly think that my mood is completely gone. Especially after tonight. I'm so glad that I emailed, that I was emailed back (and within that email such a simple phrase that made me feel so wonderful and I don't even know why..."I miss you" goes a long way...), I'm so glad that I brought up a topic tonight that has been at my mind for some time now and that it will be solved. I know the other person feels the same way and I know what he was feeling the whole time too. I will apoligize again now and try to make it better. A talk with my Cuff, with his new HAIR (can't wait to see it) was out-of-the-blue and awesome as always, ("just in case you were...wondering...") a talk with my One attempting to show me pictures, a little chat with Jay, a little chat with Erik, a little chat with Check and finally the last talk of the night which needed to be talked about, and I didn't even know it. I'm glad that I know now and I will never yell or be angry, I will only love and help, ok? (If I didn't believe in you...). I'm always here. I am your lady and you are my man. ; )

So this blog more than likely bores some people that are reading it, but deal with it!
Tonight rocked for talking and keeping in touch and that is what carried my mood away.

I am always here to listen and I will never judge.
Open mind, open ears.
Use it now before I start charging.
I'm kidding...for now...
Just in case you were curious.

Quote of the Day

"I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. It's not a problem, it's just a challenge".


This applies to many things going on right now, and I think it's the best way to look at any obstacle. Rather than a problem, stressing over it, getting upset over it, look at it as a challenge. Less emotional and more driven. That's what I think anyways.

...almost there. Almost gone.


I bet I know your name.
Just in case you were curious.

Ged Oud Of 'eah!!! (a.k.a. get out of here)

Alright. Enough of people feeling sorry for me and worrying about me and for me feeling shitty. That's what I've decided anyways. I feel quite pathetic really, so I'm going to stop it. I'm not going to wait for this thing to pass anymore, I'm just going to get it the hell outta here. Duhh. I think once I get back into the swing of things this new semester, I'll be feeling better.
My late new year's resolution?
Keep in better contact with those that I love, including my family in Los Angeles whom I rarely talk to, my friends that are all so far away from me, and my friends that are right here in Edmonton, but whom I hardly ever get to see. I think that one way to bite this monster in the butt is to talk to everyone that I love and that I miss.
Also, more family time.
And also, making decisions for ME, not for anyone else's benefit. Friends come first, that never will change, but I gotta look out for me sometimes too. Yep. I think that should help too.
We'll see how that goes! I'm feeling much better and the randomness of shit has become few and far between.
Weird analogy? It's like I'm backwards giving birth. I started with the huge huge pain (having a human being come out of you...sorry sounds gross but hello biology), then it went to the spurts of pain (the major contractions before anything happens), and now it's backing off (the early early contractions where they could be days apart). Pretty soon it'll be the fake contractions that every expectant mother drags their husband out of bed for because they think they're having the baby. When that happens, I'll pick one of you lucky people out there to call and bug about my problems. Then they should be all gone. J/k about the calling. But it will be over soon.
Love to everyone.

Sorry this has dragged on for so long.
Thanks for helping me through this random crap.
We'll see how well I can kick its ass.

I have a banana peel, a water bottle, kleenex (clean, calm down), hanukkah pictures, a picture frame, my straightener, Moses (the camera - yep he's still around!), an ear training worksheet, Bottle Caps, 2 binders, my THAR schedule, my discman, deoderant, wrappers from my picture frame, wrappers from a NutriGrain, a pen, the pen's lid, a pony tail, nail poilsh, a bobby-pin, valentines, a thank you card, a tape, post-it notes, my speakers and my phone, a pencil sharperner, my cup full of pens, a note pad and a single bent-out-of-shape paperclip on my desk right now.
Just in case you were curious.

PS>

The mood's getting better.
Instead of it being an all the time crappy feeling, it's just once in a while that it hits me.
It's still majorly annoying though.
If it seems like I'm taking it out on you, I'm so sorry and please know that I'm not. Just sometimes, people that I love are around when it hits. It'll stop, but I feel really bad. It's like terets or something. Random shitty moods. Well, I shouldn't joke about terets, but who says I'm joking about it? I'm being serious. Believe me, you assholes.
(That wasn't a mood shift, I just wanted to accentuate my point with a curse word. Isn't it odd how those words help with shit?).
All this talk makes me sound like I'm insane, but I'm no more insane than usual.
You can all still talk to me.
I'm still the semi-normal me.
This was going to be another "just in case you were curious", but it got really long.
(That's what she said)
Just in case you were curious.

That Doesn't Change The Fact

It's been a few nights since I've blogged. So I'll try and sum up what's been going on...

We had the musical review on Saturday night which went SO well for everyone involved. I'm so proud of all of us first years and I'm so impressed with the second years coming out to support us as much as they do. It's such a wonderful feeling to be that supported. Of course, the support of my wonderful friends who stopped by to watch the performance was so wonderful as well. We all headed to the party for a little bit and then to BP's. Jay Jay, way to be a good sport darling. I know you didn't want to go...hell the whole world knows because you posted it on your blog....but I'm sure glad you came with us. Erik, thank you so much for coming. It means so much to me that you're so supportive of everything, especially my lack of time when it comes to everything. I'm very lucky.
I have the most beautiful songs picked out for my voice lessons. So far it's "Still Hurting" from The Last 5 Years (any musical theatre buffs, if you haven't heard this musical, you're living under a rock and need to get the hell out from under it and see the light of day because dear lord it is stunning), "Painting Her Portrait" from Jane Eyre (ladies, there are gorgeous songs and there's a beautiful guy/girl duet in here too) and "Everybody Loves Louis" from Sunday In The Park With George (Sondheim...is my boyfriend....just like Norton Antivirus...). "Still Hurting" and "Portrait" definitley suit this mood that I'm in. They're slow, very dramatic and very moving. I love them - I only wish we had mock vocal. Hey THAR kids, what do you think about organizing our own mock sometime? So we can all hear everyone? I think it'd be cool. Kinda dorky, but we'll have a good time I'm sure.
Definitley completely improved my movement project today, but I got some stuff out of it, some cool ideas. If anyone has any metronomes would you please bring them for me before wednesday? I'm goin' crazy with the metronomes ( "let's go to 7...beeeeeeeep" "DON'T STOP CLAPPING!"). ps> hooray for the slow clapping for Laurie the other day. Way to go everyone.
Not too much else going on.
I realized, after it being pointed out to me by Clayton today, that I really suck when it comes in getting in touch with people, or keeping in contact with them over the phone. If I had more time I'd be better, I swear. But it's never been one of my strong points. It's not that I don't want to talk to any of you, just that my spare time is quite often spent playing the piano or talking on MSN. I'll try to be better though.
Nothing all that thrilling tonight, I'm sorry to say. I'm completely drained after Saturday.
(Hey best friend. I lost you. *the random "aaaaaaa" noise that I made at Burbon Street that night when you first came* Where are you? I hope you're around. But not gettin' around. You have a girlfriend now Cuffer. Stop that). (REALLY kidding if Vanessa reads this. I don't know if she will. But Cuff's not a slewt. Don't worry). (....akward silence....) (just ignore me).

K cool. That was the excitement for the blog. Right there.
Can you handle it?

The salad I'm eating is soggy.
I don't like the salad that I'm eating.
Because of its soggy qualities.
Just in case you were curious.
ps> hey daneel!

I Wish...

I wish for everyone to be able to feel as completely and utterly loved as I do.

I cannot thank you all enough for being in my life. I love you all so very much. Your comments and our little chats mean the world to me. I feel like I have such a strong support system on my side...all of your love is truly overwhelming. Thank you for taking the time out of your busy and hectic schedules to leave me little (well not all of them were little, Dinkle) comments and to try and cheer me up with messages and chats. I don't know what this "hole" is, but I'll get out of it somehow, and I know that I have all of you with me to help me get out. Never forget how much you all mean to me.

I am so blessed to be able to call you my friends.
Just in case you were curious.

Sommersault

Still waiting 'til the freezing is over
Still feel it stick to me inside
Still falling as I'm holding the table
Still waiting on the sun rise

And I think
I can't even think
I can't even speak
But I can still smile

I honestly feel like I'm standing up straight, holding individual pieces of rope that my friends are holding onto. I can either feel me losing grip of the rope, or them letting go. I'm not sure which. All I know is that I feel as though my friends are slipping away from me and that I'm slowly but surely beginning to lose everyone. I'm trying to grab onto some pieces in particular, but finding it very difficult to reach for all of them at once. I'm not sure why that is. People's attitudes have changed lately and I feel as though everyone is "leaving" me. I'm not whining so don't think that. I've been in a very strange mood for these past few days...well the days since Sunday actually, and I just don't know what it is. I feel as though my world has turned upside (hence the title) and I would really like it to stop and for things to feel normal again. Things need to be sorted out and talked about. Maybe that will help me out a smidge.

Daneel : Your blogging will be truly missed. I wish that you would reconsider. I will miss reading your stories and our hilarious days from your point of view. I'm keeping the link to your site up because, even though it's incredibly sad, I love what you wrote as your closing paragraph. People should read it. I love you so much darling. We will talk soon, my darling Pumpernickle.

Cuffer: Thank you for the call tonight. I'm sure you didn't know it at the time but that made my day. I'm so glad that I finally got to talk to you. We must make it a habit. You know, talking. Comes in handy. I love you and miss you so much.

Clay: Thank you for the call tonight too. Not even a hello, I know. You're my darling and I'm so glad that I have you to bitch to. No questions asked. I love you so much baby.

I feel incredibly empty, incredibly apathetic to life around me, incredibly melancholy, and incredibly worn out mentally. I'm finding it difficult to laugh...I have to be really caught up in the moment in order to do so.
Idunno guys. I hate feeling like this. This blog sounds incredibly pathetic. Maybe I'm just in a pathetic mood, who knows. Everyone gets in those at times though. Bear with me, it'll pass I'm sure. It doesn't usually take me too long to get over stuff like this...but one problem is that I can't nail down one thing that is spurring all of these feelings. I'll figure it out. Then I'll be able to solve it.

I also know that a few of my most dear friends are going through some rough times right now as well. As shitty as I feel I'm still always here for you guys. Come talk to me...we can all help each other out. I'm sorry that you guys are having such a shitty time too.


Buried in the sky like a planet in day light
Not hidden very well
I can only see half of what's going on
But i'm alright
Cause I can still smile

I wish I could see all that was going on.
Just in case you were curious.

Stuck In The Middle (Again)

So I feel like I'm in a lull at the moment. I'm not a fan of all of these classes being cancelled and then re-scheduled. Don't get me wrong...double no theory this week completely DOES rock my boat, but I love being in class and learning and working out! I miss it. I want more.

So that's one "middle" that I'm stuck in...the "lull" that comes with school.

Then there's another.

I agree with Daneel's Karma blog, you should all read it because it's really good, and it is a lose lose situation I think. I tried to help and I helped one. Hopefully the result of my help is one of friendship and normality (is that word?) that we were used to. I didn't sell out, I just wanted to help. I'm not a fan of sneaking around and I'm seriously glad that we talked because it's important to know what's going on. It's not fair to be in the dark. I really hope I helped. We all need to talk I think. And I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of talking will be done quite soon.

Friends always come first with me.
The happiness of my friends always comes first with me as well.
That's how I roll.
Just in case you were curious.

WARNING:

The following blog is extremely long.
Sit back and relax. Get some fat-kid popcorn. I apoligize in advance.

Cheshire Moon

(sp??)

I haven't blogged in a few days I realized (and by a couple of days I mean almost an entire week...) and so, by the bugging of Daneel, (and a lot of other people) I decided to write one now. Well she didn't really bug me...she just said "You haven't posted in a while. You should." So I am. Yep...that was some anger in her voice, let me tell you. Though I'm sure you could sense it by just reading that statement.

Enough blabbering.

Guess who's auditioning for GrantMac?! That's right....BRENNAN CUFF(er). I cannot believe it. It's actually happening! Bah! I'm so nervous for you hunny, not because I don't think you'll do well, just because it's a huge audition and I want you to do so well. I know you will. You and your "history of talent". (a.k.a. expierience). The video was so amazing and I keep watching it. How on earth are you so wonderful to us? Huh? I don't understand it, but to tell you the truth, I hope I never do....
Daneel and I finally had a lazy Sunday! It's been quite some time since we had one. We actually went out for a little bit on Saturday. Are you ready for the story? You should be.
SO...Daneel had some friends in from Saskatoon to see the UofS and the UofA hockey game. (We won. Bih-chuzz). So that was all cool because I met Scott, Andrew, Chris, Mandy, Kyle, Jared, Derek and many random people at the hockey game who kept yelling at her. They were all really cool. I wish I could have spent some more time with Andrew because I've heard so much about him these past months and he seems like an awesome guy. Anyways, so we went to the pub crawl with some people that Daneel knows (we got t-shirts and everything) and we started the night at O'Byrnes after much confusion over meeting people. There we met up with Cole and tons of people, including some rumors, and then we drove Mandy back to the hotel, went back to my house to get changed for the night (from hell) and then headed out to Cook County. Neither of us looked as though we wanted to go out, but we got all shnazzed up so we thought we might as well go. Well, to make a long story short, we ran around in the cold, had to wait in line with drunkards (even though we had pub crawl shirts) and then decided that this was a huge piss off and went home. Yep. Eventful and fun. (But at least we were together!). Today we slept and did nothing except for talk to our darling for an hour and half, bake a cake, have dinner and go to a hockey game. It was an awesome day today.
So that was all written yesterday. This is actually from today. Monday. So we baked my mom a birthday cake right? Yep. Disaster. Ok ok I know what some (a.k.a. Jason) of you are thinking, but I can actually cook, alright? Remember that awesome banana bread from the MM Picnic? Yeah bih-chuzz that's right. So, we didn't have enough eggs, the cake was really fluffy and when we went to take it out of the bunt pan it shredded a little, then when we tried to put icing on it, the cake came up with the icing. Yep. But it tastes good and my mom got a good laugh out of it. She thought it was the sweetest thing ever. Hooray for us!
I haven't blogged in so long because really not all that much has happened in this past week, except for what I blogged about.
A ("weird") and wonderful Saturday outing as well...can't forget to mention that...laying things out on the table finally face to face...
OH I bombed a theory test worse than I think I ever have. Hooray sight singing! Next time I'm just going to go "Do Ti La Lee Fee Mee Pee Dee Plinky Doinky Doonka Loonka DO!" and I swear I'll do better. I know the pitches, just Solfege doesn't roll off my effin tongue, alright? Not all of us are fluent. And not all of us know the semi-tones and how to sing a chromatic scale perfectly in Solfege *cough* Cuffer *cough* nerd *cough*
And again with the hurful comments at school. People, smarten up, alright? This one I'm not being so nice about. Just smarten the shit up.
Umm what else to say?
Oh I haven't talked to my One in a LONG time (where are you? I got a random drunk message but I could barely hear you. I miss you, asshole.)
Wide Mouth Mason kicks serious ass, by the way. Just thought I'd throw that in there. I'm so glad I got introduced to them because I definitley needed a new music fix. (Thanks best friend!).
So, my blog isn't that eventful because my past week hasn't been all that eventful. School, school and more school. Hence the non-blogging.
Hey bih-chuzz...the 22nd of January is the musical review. Come see it! It will be fantastic. It's just like monologue night only with music. I'm so excited so you should be too!

The moon looked like the smile of the Cheshire Cat the other night.
That's why this is titled what it is,
and it's why the Cheshire Cat is on my blog (thanks to Daneel!!).
The random words underneath the cat is the song that he sings,
and is actually from The Jabberwocky.
(I wasn't drunk when I wrote it out. That's what it actually says.)
I LOVE Alice In Wonderland.
Just in case you were curious.

I Don't Like Mushrooms

So...I suppose it's a good thing...well I'm sure that it's a good thing...but all of the problems that I blogged about yesterday got solved today. I love how odd that is. Apoligies were made about the misunderstanding and the feelings are not hurt, no one is broken anymore and life can move on from the confusion. I'm very glad that emails work because I was getting concerned, but today I got a reply and things will start to be better again...I'm not even completely sure that anything was wrong to being with. Something just didn't feel all that right. But now it will for sure. And, my puberty voice is gone! Hooray! I don't know if I can still sing tomorrow because my nose is kind of odd, but my throat feels better.

Erik, I hope that you're alright. I'm here to talk as always, you know that.

Nothing all that comment-able on this blog tonight, which sucks because I love getting comments so much. *Feel free to pity comment, anyone*.

Cuffer....I don't know if you got my text message tonight but it went something like this..."I miss you so so so so so so so so so much...." And I do. It's the truth. So very much the truth. We must talk soon...no questions asked. Get to a computer, damn it. Or call me! That's even better. It can make up for our "interrupting salmon" conversation.

Love to all.
I'm going to try to make my blogs shorter.
Eventually.
They're kind of long...
and monotonous.
(That's what she said).
(Just in case you were curious).

Confusion All Around

Some things were said today that caused pain in a wonderful person. It was all a huge misunderstanding and was never meant to be hurtful by any means. People need to watch what they say and understand that certain people react differently to different things, especially when things that could potentially be more harmful to the inner-workings of a person are brought up. I hope that it will all be straightened out and that feelings go back to normal because it was a horrible misunderstanding that was meant to be witty, not harmful.

Also, remember...never be a prick. Nothing bothers me more than when people put themselves WAY before someone else. If someone is hurting or crying or upset, don't make a face like an asshole, then roll your eyes, make a huge deal of gathering your belongings and then stroll off as though you have no time for other people's pain. If you don't want to be around, then quietly get up and leave...people react differently to people who are hurting. Just don't be an asshole. Think next time.

Keep in contact with your old friends. I'm curious as to what the explination is, and I'm also curious as to whether or not I'm ever going to get an explination. I'm not angry, just a little hurt and it goes without question that I'm very confused.


My cold is almost totally gone.
My nose is still slightly stuffy,
and my voice sounds like a boy going through puberty.
Just in case you were curious.

Say It....(Don't Spray It)

If you love someone....
If you miss someone....
If you are thinking about someone....
If you want to hug someone.....
If you want nothing more than to be able to look someone in the eyes....
If you wish you could do everything and nothing at the same time with someone....
If you just want to be in the same room as someone....
If you want to laugh and joke with someone....
If you want to tickle someone....
If you want to be with someone....
say it.

Or better yet...show it.

There is nothing better than being somehow shown that you are loved. It doesn't matter how small the gesture is, either. The smallest token of love or appreciation goes a very long way.

I have been considerably lucky, and I consider myself to be truly blessed by all of the love and compassion in my life. My friends are not afraid to hug, to kiss, to express emotions, to cuddle, to go out of their way to see each other, to do special things for each other - and I love it. We joke around and sure we poke fun at each other from time to time, but we always know that it's not out of hate...which makes it all the more fun.
My family is so supportive and loving. I am so lucky to be able to come home to that everyday.

My blog yesterday...well really this morning....was a little effed up and hard to understand for most. But I knew we would discuss it later on so I didn't want to try and talk anymore about it than I already had. Confusing...and I'm sorry for it. Tonight's is a little more clear.

Basically what I am saying is, don't hold emotions in. What good is love if you never put it to use? If you never show it, or say it? Do everyone that you hold dear a favour, and tell them sometime how much they mean to you. Everyone needs to hear it, and why wait until a birthday or a holiday to say it? Why not just pick a random day and make someone's heart smile? I know that my heart smiles on a regular basis because of tokens of love. And I cannot thank you all enough for showing me how you feel. I hope that you all know how much you all mean to me.

Cuffer, I totally agree with us being more than 10/100. Way more! I wish I could see you any second of the day too. Hell and damn I miss you.
Daneel! No lazy Sunday! Well, mine was lazy, but not lazy enough because I wasn't with you! I'm sorry that this one was so lonely for you. It was lonely for me too...but I was always sleeping. I love you hun. Thank you so much for updating my pictures!
Clayton, I called you yesterday and left you a message on your cell! Way to call me today silly. I miss you and I love you.
Jay Jay, I'm going to bring your Christmas present tomorrow (hopefully). I heart you.
Jen! I don't even know if you read this site all that often, but I miss you and I love you, sis! We'll talk soon.
Erik, I'm glad we talked and that you're not confused anymore. Although it's hard to see why you were confused in the first place...it's so obvious...(j/k!). Goodnight moon.

Thanks for making me feel loved, friends.
I love all of you too.
So much love, huh? Well, it's all you need, afterall.

On a side note:
Daneel was drunk out of her mind when we took the matching pajamas picture.
Just in case you were curious.

I'm A "Sick-y"

In some ways, today kinda sucked a little. But in others, it was awesome. (By other ways, I mean Daneel. Duhh. Sims instead of party. Yay for being a sicky and not going out tonight. I love us, Pumpernickle #1. How do we always have such a good time doing nothing?). The ways that today sucked were because I'm still quite sick, my voice is totally shot and my nose will not leave me alone. All during dance today I was sniffling and having to run back and forth from my kleenex box on the side of the room to the rest of the dance class. Such a pain. Good dance though. I didn't get to sing in Mock Vocal lab today because I sounded like a frog, so I sat through everyone's songs coughing, wheezing (not really) and blowing my nose whenever there was applause. I'm sure you all sounded great today, but my ears were so plugged up that I found it quite difficult to hear anything properly. Yep so those parts of the day sucked. On a brighter note, theory was only an hour today and I didn't do that badly on the little test thing. Oh and p.s., NyQuil kicks the shit out of you and leaves you tired for hours on end after you wake up. Believe me, I know. And it's not the kind of tired like "oh I didn't get enough sleep"...it's the "every ounce of energy in my body has actually left me" kind of tired. Not good. But, Daneel and I had an awesome night playing Sims...(where's Rachel?) and a marvelous phone call from my Cuff was wonderful to have.

So...I have a bit of a dilemma. My heart is strange. And I can't seem to decide on anything for very long, in terms of my heart. Underlying feelings are always there, but my mind shifts very suddenly in terms of my original and seemingly "correct" decisions. It's very annoying. This isn't saying that I take back anything of what I've said in the past or what I've felt in the past. As I said before, there are always these remaining "base" feelings. Just that, I always second guess myself and as many of you know, I am incredibly indecisive. I hope that this isn't hurting anyone because I'm not saying it for that purpose. Maybe I'm scared of committment...? No, I don't think that's it. But that's what is sounds like, doesn't it? One minute I have certain feelings for someone, and then another minute, the feelings may be totally gone. Maybe it takes a few days but for some people, the feelings go away. Not in all cases. Wow I'm articulate, huh? What I'm trying to say is that I can't seem to stick to any one thing for a long amount of time. The inital rush of feelings towards someone quite often die away quite quickly. This is in terms of "feelings", not friendships...no worrying, please. My friends are held dear to my heart at all times...it's, well, crushes that I have a bigger issue with. And this has just started and it's very annoying. I wish my heart would just settle down and let me decide on one thing for a longer amount of time.
Does this make ANY sense to any of you out there? Honestly feel free to say no because I'm not even sure that it makes sense to me. I tried my hardest to get it out there (that's what HE said) but I'm not sure if it's all that clear. Ask me and I'll try to explain it better. I'm on DayQuil and NyQuil right now so things are a little muddled.
In summary, I'm awesome with my love for my friends (it's unconditional and does not fade easily), but my feelings for my crushes - lately - have had a tendancy to be short and choppy. It didn't used to be that way, but it is now.
Yep. Idunno why I bother, haha. I don't even know who really wants to know this stuff. It's just been on my mind lately and has been bothering me. Oh well.

Quote of the night: "Best Friends Means: driving wherever and whenever at whatever time of the year to do absolutely nothing and absolutely everything at the same time".
- Brennan "Cuffer" Cuff
Couldn't have said it better myself.


My right eye is extremely itchy.
And no matter how much I rub it, it won't stop itching.
Just in case you were curious.

From My Dinkle To Her Rinkle

Everyone should be as lucky to have a Turkey Dinner write them a feel better poem, that actually works...

Feel better my roasted duckling. Here is a poem for you, written by yours truly. (For those of you out there who are confused, this is from DANEEL...)

When Rachel's nose runs
We don't have as much funs
For when she is stuffy
And her hair is all fluffy
She won't dance quite as much
And her voice sounds kinda dutch
My lines are getting progressively longer
Maybe to make my point stronger
And what is my point you ask?
Well I will tell you my task
The task that I have set out to do
Is write a poem to make Rachel unblue
Her right nostril hates her
Her watery eyes are a blur
But still she shines like a star in the night
Or soars high in the sky like the prettiest kite
Oh Rinkle, I hope that your cold takes off in a van,
Cause I'm your lady and you are my man.

Dinkle, I love you.
Just in case you were curious.

Back To Normal - Daneel & Rachel

Not that back to normal is a bad thing by any means...just that...normal is back. There won't be anymore random late-night drives, sleepovers on school nights with the 3 of us, surprise drives to the Legislature when it's freezing cold out to share a special moment with 2 of the most special people in the world to each of us, respectively, anymore of me TRYING to get the two of you to go to sleep when clearly it was past my bedtime - not to mention the fact that I'm sick - I tell ya, I don't appreciate that at all you two...disappointed in both of you..., no more guitar nights, 3-person-fat-kid-popcorn, sleeping, eating together, being waited on hand and foot by the sweetest guy ever, sleeping again, CUDDLING (holy smokes, a lot of that), reading Chekov plays until 2:00am and having inside Chekov jokes ("21 gun salute! shh! shh!"), endless endless hugs, beautiful moments to be remembered, (lisence plates and a Queen song), being complimented so many times it's crazy, even if the compliment was a simple glance, singing songs, hearing songs that are new to me being sung by you two (I love that p.s.), no more "that's what she said", "i don't even know what that means", "yeah ya did" moments with us 3, switching girlfriends and having people wonder who is actually dating....maybe really wondering...like at the new years party...maybe next time, everyone should gossip together so I only have to set you all straight once, haha (15 times I swear, but it's very cute), talking about cute waiters in an attempt to make Cuff uncomfortable, talking at the dinner table to try and guilt ourselves into thinking that Cuffy's a bad person so we won't miss him as much (yeah, right), no more having 2 amazing people inhabit my house for days on end (we're honestly a family now you two), no more hida-bed sleepovers...sure I got kicked out of my own bed, but we slept in it once together with my protective elbow shield...and that was fun, no more snoring - wait a tick...yeah, I won't miss that actually - no more late night nachos, no more Rachel and Cuff doing nothing, then adding in Daneel so that it's Rachel, Cuff and Daneel doing nothing...man. That's not even everything...I can't even being to LIST everything. That's it in a nutshell...a nutshell of love. Normal doesn't sound all that fun, huh Dinkle? But it is. We will make it fun just like always. It just won't be the same as this amazing past week has been.
Cuffer...I don't know if you realize this, but you drove all the way from Saskatoon to Edmonton because you felt like it. Because you wanted to see me and Clay. Don't worry...that definitley tells me something my dear. Most definitley. I hope that you're so careful on the long drive home and that your Saturday isn't as dreadful as you think it will be. I love you so much. I can never thank you enough for this week and all of the amazing times that we had. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for every moment, every hug, every glance, every sweet thing that you said or did. You make my heart smile.
Dinkle, we're the luckiest girls in the world, don't you think? We're spoiled my dear. Definitley spoiled. I love you hunny.

On a slight side note...
My heart is smiling
And I'm blowing my nose.
Where the boogers stop,
Nobody knows.

I despise being sick.
Just in case you were curious.

Change, But Be Yourself Now

Alright second blog of the night.

My Clayton....
We had one goodbye today at the Olive Garden (where I couldn't eat because I was sick to my stomach over the looming time of 4:00pm which meant that our time was over) and that goodbye was very teary for me. My darling, you don't know how much I miss you when you're gone. It's pretty ridiculous to tell you the truth. Yeah there's school and people here that help me get over it, but I'm never fully over it. Lord I love you, my One.
Then we had yet another goodbye with an impromptu coffee outing. Short and sweet but it was completely worth it. And now maybe even another goodbye still to come...stupid plane. Who knows what will happen tomorrow but I hope that whatever does happen makes you happy. I think that it would be best if you could get on a plane because then you'd be on your way and it'd be closer to the time when I get to see you.

So I messed up. Clay and I had talked for a long time about me going to Toronto in February. And then I told my Dee that I would go to Saskatoon on spring break. I'm a geek and don't know when spring break is. Turns out, it's the same time as when I promised Clay that I would go to Toronto. I'm attempting to fix the problem, however, and not let either person down. Going to Saskatoon for a couple days and then flying from there to Toronto seems like the best idea at the moment. I'm so sorry, you two. I always double book myself...I'm so so terrible for that. I love you both so much and don't want to let either of you down. I'm sorry I messed up. (Daneel you looked really hurt today at the Olive Garden when I told you about it and Clay you didn't sound all that thrilled about me going to Toronto for 4 or 5 days. I'm so sorry you two. I love you both so much).

Cuffer, thank you so much for the evening drive. It was such a nice way to end the day. I love that we do nothing at all and still have a good time. Well, I know I have a good time and I really hope that you do too because I wouldn't want you to be bored. You drove 5 hours afterall. Please tell me when you want to do something, or when you don't want to do something. Just don't be bored. I don't want to bore you.

Clayton I love you so much and I'll see you soon...but not soon enough. You're always ALWAYS in my thoughts, my darling. You are my One and will be forever. I miss you already.
Daneel, you do not understand how happy I am that you're home...you just don't. I love you so much, my Turkey Dinner, and having you home makes everything easier.
Cuffer, I love you and I'll see you soon. Maybe we'll actually do something...
Jay Jay, I don't give enough shout outs to you I realized. I love you. M. Night Boom-shaka-laka.

I am the luckiest girl to have so much love in my life.
I love so many people and I always feel so much love in return.
You are all my Sweet Ones.
Just in case you were curious.

The Happy Before the Sappy...

So this blog is the happy one that will take place before I blog about Clayton.

Cuff had me talking in his last blog, but I can think of my OWN material to put in them, rather than rely on some cooler person's comments. Besides, who's cooler than me? (DON'T ANSWER THAT. ANY OF YOU.)

So this is my awesome blog. Had a good time last night! Actually got to drink, for the first time since September...well the first time I got to drink at the bar that is. And I love how everyone was actually there. That surprised me! We get to go back to school tomorrow and I'm actually SO excited to go back. (even though no one knows the new schedule at all...oh well, I'll show up at 9:15 after a nice morning coffee, which we won't skip class for. Wow, come to think of it, there's a lot of work that I had to do for school, and I did none of it. Hmm, good college student morals right there. Wow, that's a long bracket comment. Wow, I keep saying "wow". Wow.)

WELCOME HOME DANEEL! Double p.j. pants! I love it. So so glad that you're home.

Umm, that's all I can think of now. A sappier blog to come in a few hours....

Look for the bear-necessities.
(They'll come to you.)
Just in case you were curious.

Sheesh! Pressure!

So I realize that I haven't blogged in a couple days. Forgive me? You'd better. I've been a busy bee. Well, as it turns out, I didn't have to be DD for new year's and instead was able to drink and drink and party and party. It was awesome to get to see everyone again. Parties with old friends, as well as with new friends, are the best. Hell, parties are just the best. I haven't been able to actually drink for such a long time...I sure appreciated it. I had an awesome talk with Jen which we both needed to have and that smoothed a lot of things over for the two of us. (Talk to you soon, hunny! And I'm glad that you actually read my blog! Now I know that I can post about you!).

These past few days have been awesome awesome fun with my Cuff making the long journey here to hang out for not enough days and having my One here...holy shit Clayton...you leave the day after tomorrow and I just realized. Yep that's NOT good. And now my Dinkle's home!! (Lordy girl take a faster shower...I'm dying over here). So many wonderful memories throughout these past few days....the stairs, endless hugs, the lisence plate, the song (you are too sweet), the TICKLING and then oh yeah the MORE TICKLING, the lazy-getting-started sunday, the overdue movie ("The arsonist has oddly shaped feet"), the more driving in the van, the mini-van song, SO MUCH STUFF.

Too much to mention. I don't want to take up any more time because my Cuff is sitting here looking tired and we need to go and see Daneel ASAP.

I thought people might think my catch phrase is lame.
That's why I stopped doing it.
But I'll start again.
Just in case you were curious.