If Only

You were right, you know. As much as I denied it, as much as you pushed it, as much as you wished you were wrong yourself...you were right. I didn't think so though, for the longest time. And it's only now that I see how right you were. I still find it strange because I was so positive that this time I was right, that this time there was no way that I could be wrong, even though it's happened so many times before, because this time felt different. I guess I was blinded again...and again and again. I still can't help but think about how right it all felt though, and how honest and how lasting. I can't help but still believing it all because in my heart while it was happening, I believed it 100%...it was undeniable and it was proven to me over and over again...I was proven right over and over again and your views and worries were shattered, in my mind, because everyday you were proven wrong. And I was happy.
I'm not saying I didn't love it...I'm not saying that it was all a lie. I'm just saying that right now, it's fishy...very fishy and confusing...not just to me, but to others too.
Maybe you aren't right...or maybe I'm just blind. Some of it had to be true. It had to be...it wouldn't make any sense for it all to be a lie. I'm sure it was believed by both, not just by one. And at the time, I'm sure it was meant. Some things that were said were too good to be true and I knew that they were said in the moment...but not other things...not other things at all.
Maybe this is overreacting, which I am good at. But it's so odd that it's full force and then absolutely nothing - no inbetween. Even in the space, there was still something. Now, I'm not so sure.
This isn't the end...it's far from it...because everything did make a change and did make an impact. It just feels like it's on hold and I'm not sure whose job it is to change that, because I would never have put it on hold. For a long time, it didn't seem like it was going to be. This could have all just been bad timing, I suppose. I've told myself that a couple times, actually...that the timing is off, which it is in some ways. But it didn't have to be as off as it was. Completely off.
Friendships last. Certain ones do, anyways. Ones that are there all the time - not just there when they are there. You know what I mean.

One giant leap forward.
But still a few steps back.
Just in case you were curious.

Gimmie Gimmie

Random thought that's come up today: Reading people comes naturally to me. For some reason, I am always able to tell what my close friends are thinking and I am always able to sense how they're feeling, even when I don't let on that I do. The reason that I keep things to myself is because I like people to feel that they are able to talk to me about what's going on with them...which they usually do. But, don't be surprised if I don't act all that surprised when I listen to what you're saying, because chances are, I've already figured it out. I don't know why I'm able to do this...I just love people watching and I love paying attention to little quirks that my friends have and therefore, I am able to pick up on them. I am able to read some people more easily than others, but mostly, it's just a general ability to know how people are feeling at one point or another. It's fun - I like being ontop of the game. I have noticed with a few friends, however, that I am thinking what they are going to think before they've even thought it, or realized that they've thought it. Weird huh? Some people are like open books to me, even when they may be a mystery to other people. I love it though - it's a connection that few people have with each other and it's a very special one in my mind.
Cocoanuts is going wonderfully well; awesome reviews, perfect audiences, full houses for every show but the first one, and tickets selling out hours before the doors open. The show is getting better everyday as we all continue to settle into our characters. Thank you all for your wonderful support.
Fringe time is so much fun and Die Nasty tonight made me laugh so stupidly hard that when the rest of the audience was quiet and had moved on from the joke, I was laughing hysterically (and not quietly either) from my seat near the back of the house. Fuck you, ape. I have never laughed that hard at Die Nasty. So wonderful.
Not too much to post, really. I'm going to try to see more Fringe shows tomorrow...but I have to call and see about tickets.


The vagina that I have.
The African American vagina that I have.
The British vagina that I have.
The "pee-pee hole".
Chive Bannok.
German Bar Mitzvah music.
My cunt hurts.
Just in case you were curious.

Saturday Night

Alright, so how cool am I...check it out...

Today is my friend Josh's birthday party at the Roost, a party which I have been looking forward to for a couple of weeks now, and I'm not going. Instead, I am sitting in my room, exhausted, eating snow peas and getting ready to go to bed at...10:56pm. Daneel got back into town yesterday (!!!!!!) and we stayed up until 4:00 this morning just chatting and catching up. It was so awesome, yet made today so difficult. I got about 3 hours of sleep on Leah's floor (of her huge room in THEIR apartment) and then had a huge 8 hour rehearsal today, in which about 3 of those hours were dedicated to painting our set. I was very tired, even though Leah and I went to get a much needed coffee at our lunch break.
So, rather than living it up at the gay bar with some friends who I haven't seen for a couple of weeks and miss, I am at home, getting ready to crash and to prepare myself for another 8 hour rehearsal tomorrow. See, if we didn't have another rehearsal at 10am, I would for sure be able to summon up the energy to go out tonight...however, Tim said as we were leaving today, "Make sure to get your rest. Everyone looked drowsy today and we need you all at the top of your game". I agree. But I hate staying in on a Saturday all alone none the less. Plus, we go up in exactly a week and I'm starting to feel the final week's pressure, for sure.

I finished the 6th Harry Potter.
I cried all the way from the end of chapter 28 to the end of the book.
I wish Harry hadn't died,
but I am looking forward to the next book -
Ron Weasley and the Squirrel of Doom.
Just in case you were curious.

And So It Goes

...I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense...

...But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake...

...And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows...

...You can make decisions too...


In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong.
There are two sides to every fight.
Listen to them both.
Just in case you were curious.