Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

Now picture this if you will...
A Christmas card (are you with me so far?) with a Grandma sitting in her living room, her tree all decorated behind her. She is sitting in a huge chair with her grandchildren sitting infront of her. She is reading a book aloud. She says:

"...and Mama in her ketchup and I in my cap, had just simmered down for a long-winded crap..."

The inside of the Christmas card says:

"The longer Grandma waited to update her eyeglass prescription, the more entertaining the annual Christmas story became".



Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy Chanukkah.
Jay and I decorated the tree.
Just in case you were curious.

'Tis The Season!

So, do some of you remember how last year when I got back from Miami I had posted some racey Christmas Mad Libs? Well...here's another batch! And it's not even Christmas!
For those of you who don't know, last year Clayton and I went to Miami to visit our good friend Bruce Cable and on the flight home, we 3 decided to use a Christmas Mad Libs book that we had recieved as a present and turn some old Christmas favorites into some NEW Christmas favorites. Last year our favorite one was Fornicate the halls with boughs of vaginas...sung to the tune of "Deck the Halls". Well, here are some NEW Christmas favorites...

Sung to the tune of Here Comes Santa Claus
Here thrusts Santa Claus,
Here thrusts Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane.
Vixen and Blitzen and all his poo worms
Are muff diving on the reins.
Birth-control pills are ringing, children are blow-jobing
All is erect and bright.
So hang your mosquito repellant bracelets and say your prayers,
'Cause Santa blows tonight.
Here tightens Santa Claus,
Here rips Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane.
He's got a Hummer that is filled with blood
For the vagina washers again.
Hear those used pads jingle jangle,
What a crusty sight.
Jump in bed, cover up your choda
Beacuse Santa Claus dribbles tonight.


Sung to the tune of Up On The Rooftop
Up on the bath house, hippopotamuses pause,
Out jumps sickly Santa Claus,
Down through the chimney with lots of crusty ass hairs,
All for the porky ones Christmas joys,
Ho, ho, ho! Who wouldn't go? Ho, ho, ho! Jesus wouldn't go!
Up on Mount Rushmore, Boogak! Queef! Toe Fart!
Down through the chimney with racy Saint Nick.
First come the vagina of little Nell.
Jesus Christ Mother Fucker! Dear Santa, fill it well!
Give her a testicle that fingers and cries.
One that will lick and shut her eyes.
Ho, ho, ho! Who wouldn't go? Ho, ho, ho! Moses wouldn't go!
Up on the 7-11, nose whistle, fart, mouse fart!
Down through the chimney with smelly Saint Nick.

I hope you all find these as stupidly amusing as we do.
And just in case you missed our favorite one from last year...here it is...
Sung to the tune of Deck The Halls...

Fornicate the halls with boughs of vaginas,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
'Tis the penis to be licked
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our horny apparel,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Thrust the ancient bloody carol,
Fa la la la la, la la la la!


HAPPY FESTIVUS!!



No matter what.
Just in case you were curious.

Drip Drip Drop Little April Showers

APRIL:
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

This is someone's perception of people who are born in April. I like it and I actually agree with all of it. It's odd how this one is actually quite accurate. I read some of the other months that they disected and I agree with how those are broken down as well.
I hate horoscopes...well not hate, but they're so general..."You might have a conflict with someone at some point today". Yeah, thanks. But this one is kind of fun. If you'd like the email that has all of the months in it, let me know and I'll send it your way.

My birthday is April 7th.
Just in case you were curious.

True To Your Heart

A lot of things have come into perspective for me lately. Some of them are because I have had chats with people, and some of them are because I haven't. Some things I've just realized for myself, lately - having to do with friends, with school, with life in general. I've made some decisions and I know that some of the decisions I have made will be hard to stick by because sticking up for myself has never been one of my strong points. However, on the other hand, things that I knew I knew before, things that have always been in the back of my mind have been creeping forward lately and it's a great feeling. Well, for the positive realizations it's a good feeling [obviously], but there have been some negative ones as well. Guess what feeling those give me? BAD FEELING! Well done. I hope you've been able to keep up thus far.
It's odd because, looking at it kind of critically, I have made some life decisions in the past couple of days. They may not come into realization now as 'life decisions', but over time, they will pan out...I hope. Because if not, I think I might be kind of lost. Actually, I know I will be. The good thing is that I based one particular life decision around a rock solid base that I know will never faulter. It's hard to explain and I don't really feel like doing it. So don't ask. Just nod your little head and accept my ramblings.

Be true to your heart.
Just in case you were curious.