Over My Head

Alright...so I've done a lot of back-tracking in these past couple days and I haven't really bothered to mention it to anyone...so I figured, why not be an idiot and post it all? I'm not even sure who reads this thing anymore, so we'll see.

I've been re-thinking a lot of things in my life lately and I'm not really sure what brought it all on. Could be that I've been at the same job for 8 months and I'm starting to get bored. The fact that I didn't get the job from the Hotel MacDonald (I got a letter of "thanks but no thanks" the other day) kind of put a damper on my hopes of getting more money soon. It put a damper on being able to save more, on being able to move soon, maybe even on wanting to move soon. That last one's not entirely true, because I still do want to move. I'm just worried that the decision is coming too fast, or that it's not solid, or that I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. I'm doing it because I want to get away from here and I think it would be a crazy life change - and I'm ready for that! There are a lot of uncertainties with it though - what the near future may hold, what the "long term" future may hold and yes, I understand that we'll cross those bridges when we get to them, but because of those potential bridges, a lot of things go unsaid and therefore, the bridges become unstable. I love schedules and plans and SET plans; I like to know what's happening with my future, especially when such a huge change is at hand. A lot has to be discussed. A lot has to be brought up. A lot has to be settled. Clear the mind. It has to happen and it never does. But that's a different rant...
...and here it is....
Things going unsaid. One of my biggest pet peeves. Obviously, I'm not talking about cute things "going unsaid"...."I love you"...."you're my best friend"....yada yada...all of those mushy things that go unsaid are wonderful to me. But things that NEED to be talked about. Things that NEED to be discussed that never are...those are the ones that get on my nerves, and fast. It happens much too often and I am always the one waiting around. I'm always willing to talk, to discuss, to solve problems, because those things are important. I hate fighting about nothing and then not talking about what the real reason for the fight is. I hate having facades. I like real people, real talking, real fighting even, because sometimes it just has to happen. If it doesn't happen, then things get passed over, the don't get discussed and problems just get bigger and bigger and never have a resolution. I honestly wish that I could fight this one out, but both parties have to be willing to talk. Just because we said we would make time for it, does mean that we will make time for it.

These blogs are getting long, hey? Well, I'm known for long blogs and quite often, long and confusing blogs. This one isn't confusing...no hidden meanings. It's just quite the read...so thanks for sticking around.


I'm loving The Fray.
I haven't found a song I don't like yet.
That and they make a good blog title.
Just in case you were curious.

Losing My Mind

Wow...I kind of suck at the whole "new years blog", hey? Considering it's almost the 2nd month of the year 2007, I'd say I'm pretty behind. I knew that would happen...

For Christmas, I got a journal. It's very helpful because I don't have to write down all of my crap for the online world to see anymore. I love writing, but I like typing better because I can type faster than I write (which most of us can) so it's easier to get my thoughts down. Remember those things that we did in Dave's class? Where we just wrote? I loved those. Some people used them for Haikus, but some of us wrote real things...odd things...but real ones.

Things that are new (in no particular order):
I have a very very sore throat. I got into Follies with Bridget Ryan. Friendships. Relationships. Plans to move out of my house and this province quite soon. Organization and cleanliness - I blame a certain friend for my new obsession with cleaning. Weekend traditions have altered. Offered a job at the Hotel MacDonald (still waiting...the hopes aren't high...). Drinking more. Sleeping less. Driving less to the bar, but more when I'm sober. Less of the driving when I'm not sober....not proud, I know. Life without constant theatre is still a kicker and I was thinking for a while that I would leave it alone. Getting back into the swing of "dieting" or "a more healthy lifestyle". We go to the straight bar now! I have every webpage I can think of...including JLove.com (clayton you ass) but I'm too cheap to pay for the email service, so I just get sent little messages from people but I can't respond...not much point, I know, but I get to look at cute Jewish guys all over the world.

Things that are constant (in no particular order):
Friendships. Priorities. I'm still ridiculous. I shop too much. I spend too much. I party every weekend. (I love it). I adore my friends. I'm a pushover. Me...I guess I'm a constant - I've been told so anyways, and that's actually a very good feeling. Drama, just perpetual drama. These blogs let me ramble and I will do so willingly.

Thoughts and opinions? (in no particular order):
Priorities suck. A very random statement, I know, but they really can. They can get all jumbled up if a person isn't careful, and so I try to be aware of them. My friends are my priority, but I know that within my friends, my priorities shift, meaning that my friendships shift and create new "usual crowds", in some sense of the word. I'm getting better at balancing them, though. Thank goodness for Organic Wednesdays and African weekends...those are two constants that I thrive on. They ensure that no matter what the week brings, I will see my husbands on Wednesdays (as well as all of the other people who join us) and I can see my African disaster on the weekends and we can cook and clean and have interventions. I love schedules and set plans and because of them, I know that I'm attached.

Closing words? (in some particular order because the sentences have to make sense):
I can be a pushover. I can be a pacifist. I can be the one that goes along for the ride. Just don't forget that even the pushover has a firm base, the pacifist may have quite the temper and the one that goes along for the ride may want to take the wheel once in a while. Everyone has opinions and needs to be heard. Everyone has feelings that need to be cared for. Everyone deserves to be in the light, rather than in the dark. I'm lucky because this is all getting better, from both sides of the looking glass. Let's just all remember it. A new year to try.


My throat HURTS.
I hate being sick.
The last time I saw Bridget I was sick.
I'm seeing her tomorrow.
This can't be a good omen.
Just in case you were curious.