A Request

I fuck up. Who doesn't? I need to be told when I fuck up big time. Not all the time, because we all fuck up a lot of the time and if we always hear it then we'll just get very depressed. If something huge is happening and the something huge is concerning me and my actions and my friends, please tell me and don't talk to other people about it before me. I know it's tempting, but it hurts to hear that problems with me have been told to other people who can't do anything about it, rather than told to me myself. It's gossip, and if there is a problem I'd much rather have it told to me than to be told to someone who really has no part in the problem and can't do anything about it. I don't like being talked about, and I don't like fucking things up. So talk to ME, ok? I'm not a scary person...I listen well and just like you all deserve to be treated well, I too deserve to be treated with care, even if you're mad at me. Because friendships go deeper than that.
Maybe this is hypocritical. I know that we need the support of our friends in times when things are shitty...but hearing that I've been talked about TO one of my closest friends BY some of my closest friends really does hurt. I think somehow that talking to people about problems can be looked at in different ways...if both parties know that there is a problem, then it's going to be talked about among the group. But when one party doesn't even know that there is a problem and it's being talked about, for some reason it hurts more because, well, I had no idea what was going on and I had no idea that so many people were mad at me or were talking to each other about how mad at me they were. There's been a lot of hurt going around this weekend (by that I mean Saturday) of which I am both the culprit (unbeknownst to me) and the recipient. I would just really like to know when I mess up. That's all I'm asking. And I'm asking that it be brought to me before it's talked about amongst my closest friends, without me even knowing that anything is wrong. Because I didn't. And I should have. And I wish I had. And I wish I hadn't been talked about so much. And don't think that I'm not hurting too.

Just tell me when things are wrong. And maybe I'll start to do the same...rather than blogging about it.

I love you.
Just in case you were curious.

Someone To Watch Over Me while I Build A Stairway To Paradise

We are a funny group of people. Our relationships are unlike any that I've had before. Of course, if I delve deep into it, they are all friendships of course, and I have encountered friendships before (surprising I know). But the circumstances. So odd. So different from anything any other College student goes through. I thought that I would enjoy being split up because then I'd get to have a nicer part in whatever show it was and I would get to work with people who I may never have been able to work with before...but I miss the other half of the group when it comes to rehearsals. We had just finished our Mad Forest rehearsal today and Cody and I went downstairs only to hear the cast of George singing "Sunday", which is one of the most beautiful songs. It was haunting, but also, unreal. I remember last year hearing our second years all practicing the music for their shows in the lab. I remember thinking, "Wow. Those are our second years. I'll be able to do that next year, and then I'll have completed this first year of college and be on my way. I can't wait to be the one singing on the inside of the lab". But I'm not yet - which feels very very strange. Because, really, I should be. Those are my peers and classmates on the inside of the lab singing that beautiful song, and I'm out here listening to them. It's very dissociating. I'm glad to be in the show so that I am able to be directed by Dave, but I want to be singing. The last musical that I did I wasn't able to sing....and I want to sing in a show. I know that I'll be in On The Town and Nine, but I just wish that we could all be together to all make the same memories and inside jokes and continue to bond as a class. That's what I think we're really missing out on...bonding. (Not bondage, assholes, bonding).

It's madness to be always sitting around in sadness,
when you could be learning the steps of gladness,
you'll be happy when you can do just six or seven.
Just in case you were curious.

In The Mad Forest With George

The atmosphere at school was really interesting today - I didn't notice any hostilities...but maybe I was just with happy people. As compared to last year and our second years, things were very calm. I think it's pretty weird how we all know which shows we're going to be in now...I mean, of course last year everyone knew what shows they were going to be in because they all were in all of them, but this first show really did set the stage for everyone else, pardon the expression. I now know that I'll be in On The Town and Nine, which I am thoroughly happy about. I'm just slightly confused about the casting now, though, because I'm not sure what the guys are going to be doing.
The mentality was great with everyone though and the energy was very relaxed and calm, which is a very good thing. It's odd how people can get so worked up over parts in a show, and hey, I'm not saying that that's stupid, because I do it too for sure...it's just interesting how having a huge part can mean so much to someone and how having a small part may mean equally as much to another person. I love that. The thing I loathe is when someone who thinks they're wonderful, or thinks that they deserve nothing but a fantastic role, is a bitch about getting a smaller one and doesn't put their heart into it. I can understand the disappointment, but you're still in the show, right? Who knows, maybe I'm being hypocritical and maybe I'll be a bitch if I don't get a good part in On The Town...but maybe I won't. I'll work towards not being a bitch about it, because I never have been before.
This is a long blog. And I'm tired. And I'm ranting.

We should go to Red Lobster.
Have some lobster and shrimp.
I can eat that.
With a pig's head.
Just in case you were curious.

Holding To The Ground

Isn't crazy how life can just take off in a million directions at once? Isn't it also crazy how you may never be truly comfortable in a situation? That's part of life and part of growing, I'm sure, but there are some situations in which I still find myself to be uncomfortable, no matter how well I know or trust the people; I've always been shy, and that shyness still peeks through now and again. What is it that makes people feel able to go and talk to complete strangers in one situation, but be totally shy around them in another? Or still, what is it that makes a person totally comfortable around their friends and peers and be joking around one moment, but then be completely quiet and go to the back of the room in another? Is it because you think you're better than certain strangers and therefore have the upper hand when you go to talk to them? Is it because you still feel judged by your closest friends? But is that because your friends make you feel judged, or do you make yourself feel judged by them? The subconcious is a weird thing. You are able to make yourself feel one way in a situation when it may be the complete opposite of how everyone else is feeling - you may feel left out, even when you are getting a lot of attention, for example. Who knows. We are all able to control our moods and we are all able to control ourselves in situations, even though we sometimes feel out of control. But it's all in our hands.

I use this spray gel called Alterna when my hair is curly.
There's Waterlily extract in it.
How random is that?
What would you take from a waterlily?
MSN hates me.
Just in case you were curious.